A Christmas Poem for the Ladies

Merry Christmas Ladies! 

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do 

I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you

And deliver some things just inside your front door

Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,

and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.

Then restore the old color that once graced your hair

Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted 

So things now suspended need not be uplifted.  

I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back

Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin

So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.

You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,

And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes, 

No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,

From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.

And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.

Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,

You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,

And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,

The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptons I've got,

But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot

Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.